I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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