He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
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