Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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