Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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