I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
