there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Randomize