im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
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