omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I'm at about main and main street
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
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