i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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