I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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