Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
