I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
