Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
