I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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