Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
