it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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