Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
