The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
