dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I will pee on everything he values.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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