Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
