i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
