I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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