I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
