Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
