Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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