a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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