Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
