i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Randomize
