There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
