moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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