I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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