can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
