You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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