dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Randomize
