Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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