Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
