The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My bed smells like the plague
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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