dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize