he puts the penis in happiness.
4 words: hood of his car
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
