I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
