i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Randomize
