ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize