Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
