I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
