My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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