so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
He has the fingertips of a God
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