Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
