ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
