Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
