I look better un-naked...
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
