This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
