Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize