Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I could fuck to npr.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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