Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
