Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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