I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
