I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
