Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
